even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
