Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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