Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
