I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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