Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
