do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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