I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
