dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
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His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
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Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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