What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
