How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
