Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
