I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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