There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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