Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
