There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
