i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
