I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
