It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
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I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
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Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED