Old men and throwing up are my life now.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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