i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.