so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.