God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
The beer is more important than you right now.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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