franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
