Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
