Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize