I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
