just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
