You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
