I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
too bad you live with your parents still
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
The cops high fived after they tackled you