i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She made me pour olive oil on her.