i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
