her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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