I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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