I'd wear matching sweaters with you
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
