One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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