I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
