census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
