I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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