There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
