just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Randomize
