Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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