Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
