maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
