Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He's on the porch naked. Help.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
