I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I just blew my weed a kiss
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
