Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
