Do vagina's smell?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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