Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
