Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
