i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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