If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
