I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
