i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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