omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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