Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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