i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
