I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
