This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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