There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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